


How to Woo a Prussian

by ShippingEverything



Series: So You've Got Feelings: a comprehensive guide to dealing with high school, romance, and other life shit [3]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: AND THE SERIES HAS A NAME NOW, Alternate Universe - High School, And I have found that I am incapable of writing something without some spamano, Awesome, F/M, IM ENTRENCHED IN THIS NO GOING BACK NOW ITS TOO LATE, M/M, Matchmaking, Nyotalia, Oh look im starting something else, all the parents are nyos and/or 2p, and kumajirou is this huge dog breed like wow, and the north american bros have nyo!canada and nyo!america as their super cool (embarrassing) moms, can/nyo!pru needs more love okay, i.e. the german sisters have 2p!nyo!germany as their mom and 2p!prussia as their dad, oh!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-15 20:35:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1318336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShippingEverything/pseuds/ShippingEverything
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b>DISCONTINUED</b>
</p><p>Matthew Williams-Jones, perpetually awkward and basically invisible, has a problem. He has a huge crush on one of his few friends, Julchen Beilschmidt, who is completely out of his league. </p><p>Luckily--or unluckily, it's a mystery really--he receives the help of a certain Lovino Vargas, matchmaker extraordinaire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How to Aquire a Matchmaker

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so the genderbent characters are going to be Prussia, Italy, Germany, England, Russia, and China. The pairings will be prucan, obviously, spamano, gerita, either fruk or usuk (idk which yet), and some very slight, nearly irrelevant rochu.
> 
> Hover over things for translations.
> 
> As a note, Prussia's name is Julchen, pronounced "Yule-hen", so her nickname, Jules, is pronounced "Yules"
> 
> Enjoy~

Matthew Williams-Jones had a problem.

He came to this realization during English, when one of his classmates snickered and told him that "If you keep staring at her like that, soccio, then you'll burn a hole through her pretty head." And Matthew realized, after getting over the initial embarrassment that comes with being caught staring, that Julchen Beilschmidt was extremely pretty, and that he really, _really_ liked her. And that was an issue because-

"Birdie! Stop daydreaming; the bell rang and I'm so hungry, it's crazy."

Because, even if they weren't best friends, Julchen was one of the few people who noticed him and didn't mistake him for his brother. And he ate lunch with her and a few of her friends everyday. _Merde._

Lunch had been going well. He had, like always, listened to her ramble, the current topic was how "West unawesomely took my fireworks, she said that I wasn't 'responsible', hmph! Can you believe that?" He had sat at the seat directly to Julchen's left, and had smiled politely at each of Julchen's other friends as they arrived, although none of them noticed, like always. Yes, everything had been going swimmingly, until Julchen decided to buy everyone drinks.

"Okay, so I need like five Cokes, a Sprite, an orange soda, and… Birdie? What do you want?"

And Matthew, who had once again been contemplating the matter of his crush, had mumbled, "A tall glass of _you_ would be nice…" and then, the second it had left his mouth, had realized what he said and turned bright pink.

" _W-was?_ " Julchen's mouth dropped and her eyes widened and oh, god, Matthew had ruined _everything_.

"I-I said that water would be fine!" Matthew insisted, still flustered, "I just want water…"

"Oh, ha, I must need to clean out my ears or something…" Julchen schooled her face to her default, much practiced (and Matthew knew it was practiced, he had seen her practicing) "awesomely happy" expression. "Uh, yeah, I'll just go get those. Ha, ha…"

And as soon as she was gone, the _whispering_ started and Matthew, never one for conflict, always one to get over embarrassed, fled. "Oh, uh, tell Jules that I… that I'll be back, okay?"

Even though he wasn't sure that they had heard him, Matthew sped out of the cafeteria and into the men's bathroom.

"...Sono etero, sono etero, sono etero…" Where he found the infamous Lovino Vargas splashing water on his face and repeating a phrase to himself.

Lovino was known throughout school for his snark and foul language, his impeccable fashion sense (it was said that he imported all of his clothes from Italy, and that he refused to wear anything not designer), and his prowess at getting people together _—_ despite the fact that he was single.

Matthew cleared his throat and shrunk back slightly when Lovino startled. "Ah, sorry, I'll just leave, I didn't mean to-"

"Shut the hell up, kid," Lovino snapped, his trademark scowl reforming, "Do you speak Italian?"

"Um, no."

"Good. Don't repeat any of the shit you heard me say. Ever. Or I will end you."

"Ah," Matthew started to awkwardly laugh, but tampered it off with a cough when Lovino's face continued to look serious. Those rumors that he had not-completely-legal connections couldn't be true, right? "Right. Sorry, I'll go…"

"Wait," Lovino's scowl took on a less irritated look, "People don't just run into fucking bathrooms because they're okay. What the hell is wrong, bastard?"

Choosing not to comment on how Lovino was hiding in the bathroom too, Matthew decided to answer at least semi-truthfully. "Um, well, there's this girl-"

"Of fucking course there is," Lovino snorted, "Look, kid-"

"Matthew."

Lovino looked surprised at being interrupted, but just raised a brow and continued, "Fine then, Matteo, I'm going to help you."

"Oh, no, you don't have to do that..."

"I know," Lovino began walking out and Matthew had no choice but to follow (well, he _did_ technically have a choice, but the look that Lovino sent him made him fear for his life again, so it was an easy decision), "That's what makes me so fucking nice."

Before Matthew could protest anymore, they were already to the entrance of the cafeteria. "Now, which one is it?"

"It's Ju-"

"Birdie!" Julchen crashed into Matthew's side, and Matthew was sure that he would've been tackled if she wasn't holding a ridiculous amount of water bottles. "I didn't know what kind of water you wanted, so I just got one of like almost everything. I can give the extras to West and Ali, and I can probably convince a bunch of other people to take them too."

Matthew took three bottles of water, not wanting to have to saddle Monika with too many, and smiled back. "Thanks, Jules, this is perfect."

With an answering "Awesome!", Julchen scrambled off to redistribute her extensive wares.

"Dio Mio, per favore, tell me it's not her."

Matthew turned to Lovino, who was groaning into his hands, "Why? What's wrong with Jules?" And if he was a bit defensive, then, well, he _did_ have a crush on her.

"Nothing wrong with her, per say," Lovino waved away Matthew's concern, "Well, aside from her being arrogant and a potato-"

"Potato? What-"

"-but it's more that she's friends with- never mind. She's fine. Whatever. I can do this." Lovino nodded, more to himself than to Matthew and walked into the sea of tables. Matthew stood there and watched, until Lovino turned back and growled, "Are you coming or not, bastard?"

Looking back, Matthew still couldn't decide whether or not it was a bad thing that he followed that day.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha. Ha. Ha. *sobs because I have so many projects*
> 
> I have 3 of these chapters done, and I estimate 6 chapters total, so I'll post one a week, every Saturday~ It'll be rad
> 
> I'm not translating the "Sono etero" thing, it has to do with a plot point. You can translate it yourself if you want, but I'm not doing it.
> 
> Hope you liked it!


	2. How to Get Invited to a Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh im a huge dummy who made it seem like it was only 1 chapter
> 
> Cries bc I didn't make my Saturday deadline, like I posted it on ff at like 1am and I completely forgot about ao3. Oh well, enjoy~
> 
> Fem!Italy is Alice, Aly-ch-ee
> 
> Fem!iggy is Guinevere, like king Arthur's wife thing, pronounced Gwen-a-veer

The next morning, in his first bell study hall, Matthew was surprised to see Lovino plop down at his table, with a huge coffee tumbler.

"Lovino? You're in this class?" Lovino nodded and knocked back some of his caffeinated beverage as Matthew continued, "I've never seen you before."

"It's fucking first bell study hall. Almost everyone skips it," Lovino looked at him as though he was an alien.

Matthew glanced around the room and noticed that he was the only one in the room actually (trying to be) doing something productive. "Hm... I suppose so. Why are you here then?"

"Several reasons. The potato bitch's car is in the shop, so I had to drive her and Ali along with the tomato bastard, I got a text from Lotte about something 'super duper important', and I'm giving you an opportunity to get closer to the albino."

"Um... what?"

Lovino rolled his eyes and took another huge gulp of coffee, "Short version: Ali, Alice, is my sorellina -- ugh, damn it, sorry, habit; my  _little sister_ \-- and the potato bitch is her girlfriend in everything but name, aka Monika Beilschmidt, your albino's little sister. Lotte, as in Lotte Peeters -- Belgian girl, always wears a headband, you'd probably know her if you saw her -- texted me and then gave me this," Lovino extracted an envelope and tossed it at Matthew, "Which is an invitation to attend a party to celebrate her anniversary with a guy that I set her up with. You're coming with me, because I know for a fact that Julchen and her duo of idiots are going to be there, and, as the Spice Girls said, 'you gotta get with her friends'. Got all that?"

"Uh, I think so?" Matthew flipped the envelope in his hands and noticed that it was still sealed. "Oh, but how do you know all that if the envelope is still closed? And didn't you say something about a 'tomato bastard'? You didn't explain him."

"I have my sources, Matteo. I'm not the most successful matchmaker in town for nothing, damn it." Lovino's ears flushed a bit as he considered the second question. "A-and as for the tomato bastard, he doesn't fucking matter. He's an irrelevant idiot. Don't ask about him again."

_~0.0~_

Later, at about 5:30, Lovino came to pick up Matthew. Matthew's first indicator was Lovino honking loudly several times, and then it was confirmed by Alfred yelling "Oh my god, that's a _Maserati convertible_ ," and running out of the house to coo at the sport car.

When Matthew exited the house, hoping on one foot as he finished tying his shoe, Lovino had gotten out of his car and was trying to shoo Alfred away. _Good luck with that_ , Matthew thought, _Alfred's love for sports cars is only bested by his love for food._

The two paused in their argument to stare at Matthew, and he felt himself flushing under the attention. "Ah, is there something wrong?"

"Are you seriously wearing that?" Lovino asked. Matthew looked down at his clothing. He was just wearing a graphic tee and jeans, was that wrong?

"Yes? You said it was casual, right?"

"Ugh, I forgot that that's American for casual," Matthew took this pause to examine Lovino's clothing; A blank white shirt, dark washed jeans, and a yellow decorative scarf. Matthew suddenly felt underdressed. "Whatever, it'll work. Come on."

Matthew hopped into the car, briefly waving to the two girls in the back seats, _Must be Alice and Monika._

"Hey, 'Vino, wait!" Alfred yelled as they began to pull away.

"What do you want?" Lovino groaned.

Alfred messed with the hem of his shirt and blushed a bit, behavior so weird for his brother that Matthew wondered if someone had replaced Alfred with a robot in the last minute. "Er, I just wanted to know if you had thought about… the _thing_ that I asked you about… you know?"

"Yeah yeah, of course I know," Lovino sighed, "Look, Alfred, I would _love_ to help you and the wino and every fucking other idiot who's attracted to her for some reason, but she said that if I wanted her help -- and Dio knows that I need it, even if I don't want it -- then I'm not allowed to match her. Mi dispiace, but my hands are fucking tied."

"Yeah, no, it's fine. No problem, 'Vino, I understand." Alfred waved and Lovino drove off, leaving Matthew to be confused.

"Ah, who is this girl? I kind of… thought Alfred was gay."

Lovino winced slightly, but answered, "That'd sure make things easier; our school has a fucking abundance of gay."

The girl that Matthew thought was Alice giggled, "E si sa, non è vero, fratello?"

"Shut the fuck up, Ali, nessuno ti ha chiesto!" Lovino turned a blotchy red and growled back.

"Ah, ma qualcuno mi ha chiesto."

"Tsk, chi diavolo potrebbe chiedere?"

Matthew waited with baited breath for Alice's response, even though he couldn't understand her, and even though Lovino visibly tensed, and even though Alice looked like she was the cat that had caught the canary.

"Oh, sai, nessuno importante," She paused, most likely for dramatic emphasis, "Basta fratellone Tonio~"

Matthew heard an exasperated sigh through the -- now rapid -- Italian, and turned in his seat to see Monika face palming.

"So I take it they do this often, eh?" Matthew asked.

"Ja," She sighed, "Every time they're together. Lovino says something and Alice will shift the conversation to Italian to antagonize him," She looked up and gave him something akin to a smile, "I'm Monika Beilschmidt, by the way."

"Matthew Williams-Jones. Pleased to meet you."

Monika blinked at him for a second, before clearing her throat, "So you're the one that-"

The car jerked as Lovino slammed on the brakes. He pulled open his door and yanked his seat forward. "We're here. Get the fuck out of my car."

Everyone obediently piled out of the car, and Matthew was about to go in, but Lovino grabbed his arm. "Stay. We have to wait for her," He glanced down at his phone, "She says shouldn't take too long. Idiot, texting while she's driving. I hope she crashes."

"But who is she?"

In that moment, a painfully pink Vespa came up to the curve, and a girl with pigtails, wearing ripped jeans, a light blue shirt, and leather jacket walked over to them.

"You should wear a helmet, bitch."

"As if I need one. I drive like a normal human being, unlike _some_ wankers."

The pair stared each other down for a second, and Matthew worried that he would have to intervene, before bursting out in laughter. "Eh?"

"Oh," Lovino straightened up, "This bitch is Guinevere Kirkland. She's going to help you get along with the rest of the pervert trio."

Matthew was offended on Julchen's behalf, but there were more pressing issues. "You're not coming with me?"

"No, I… I can't go near those bastards. For reasons."

Guinevere began to cackle as Lovino blushed, "You're still whining about that? Bloody hell, Lovino, grow a pair already!"

"Fuck you! I'm not bitching about it, I just… don't want to deal with it."

"Who?" Matthew interrupted the argument.

"Has Lovino not told you about his-"

"Nothing! My nothing, because it is nothing. Come on, time to go meet the Bad Touch Trio."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that I'm not sorry about the Italian conversation. Loose translations are below. Notes that no one actually cares about:
> 
> *Fem!iggy is Guinevere because I know everyone uses Alice, but I like Ali-ch-ee for Fem!ita, so...
> 
> *Fem!iggy and Romano are bffsies, or as close as two tsunderes can get to being bffs
> 
> *Lovi has a bunch of cars. In this chapter, he's driving a Masserati Gran Cabrio, bc its a 4-seater, Italian convertable
> 
> *I really enjoy making Italy the bane of Lovino's existence~
> 
> **The magnifico Italian conversation:**
> 
>  
> 
>  **"E si sa, non è vero, fratello?":** And you would know, wouldn't you, brother?
> 
>  **"Shut the fuck up, Ali, nessuno ti ha chiesto!":** No one asked you!
> 
>  **"Ah, ma qualcuno mi ha chiesto.":** Ah, but someone asked me.
> 
>  **"Tsk, chi diavolo potrebbe chiedere?":** Who the hell would ask you?
> 
>  **"Oh, sai, nessuno importante," She paused, most likely for dramatic emphasis, "Basta fratellone Tonio~" :** Oh, you know, no one important. Just big bro Tonio~"
> 
> Comment or whatever (especially if you prefer fruk over usuk or vice versa, bc irdk which to choose)


	3. How to Meet Her Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter sucks, mostly because I rewrote the whole thing to make it flow better and cut the chapter in half. So yeah. Enjoy or something.
> 
> I have an excuse for my lateness, btw. I just got home from Florida: We drove 14 hrs yesterday, I passed out to sleep last night, and then we drove the rest of it today and there was a bunch of traffic and ew.

Matthew had heard things about the Bad Touch Trio, but he had never dealt with all of them at one time. Francis had been in his Home Ec. class last semester, and he had English and lunch with Julchen, but had never seen all of them together. Approximately five minutes after they left the curb, they -- meaning himself, Lovino, and Guinevere (She hadn't wanted to go, but apparently she owed Lovino for something. She wouldn't elaborate on it.) -- had journeyed deep into the Peeters' home, and had found the trio.

"Birdie!" Julchen high fived Matthew and pulled him into a hug, which he received with a blush.

"Hey Jules…"

Julchen began pulling Matthew over to the couch that BTT had commendeered, "C'mon, you gotta come sit with me and Tonio and Franny! You'll love them; they're almost as awesome as me," Julchen turned to his entourage for a moment, "And I guess Gwenie and Lovi can come too."

"Don't call me 'Lovi'."

"My name is Guinevere, Snow White."

"Tonio, Franny! Meet Matthew. Birdie, Francis and... Antonio?"

Indeed, Antonio had disappeared from the spot he had been in literally a second mystery was solved by a surprisingly girlish-sounding exclamation from Lovino.

"Get the fuck off, you dumb bastard!"

Antonio, who was apparently unperturbed, tightened his hug and began nuzzling Lovino's head. "Lovi~ Te extrañé~ ¿Por qué tu no eran estar sentado con me en la sala de estudio?"

Lovino elbowed Antonio in the stomach and mumbled, "I don't fucking speak Spanish, idiota. And I was busy talking to Matteo, not that it's your concern."

Antonio pouted for a second, then looked towards Matthew with a smile that seemed just a bit too wide. "So you're 'Matteo', si?"

"Ah, yes, Matthew Williams. Pleased to meet you..."

"Ahaha, well it's always nice to meet _mi_ Lovinito's friends~" Antonio grabbed Matthew's hand with more strength than necessary, and shook it with an excess of force. Behind him, he was sure he heard Francis mumble something along the lines of "Mon dieu, he's in one of _those_ moods again."

"I'm not 'your' anything," Lovino growled, grabbing Matthew's arm and forcing him onto the couch, successfully stealing Julchen and Antonio's spots.

"Um, Lovino," Matthew started, "Shouldn't we-"

"Wino! Go get more chairs. And take Guinevere with you. Albino Potato, sit."

Francis got up with a flourish, "Of course, Lovino; anything for l'amour~ Come along, ma cheri Genevieve."

"How fucking hard is it to just call me Guinevere, frog?"

As the duo walked off bickering, Julchen plopped down next to Matthew.

"Franny's always talkin' about 'l'amour', but half the time, I can't even figure out what he's referring to. Do you know, Toni?"

Antonio stole a chair from a nearby group, then his grin fell for a moment as he glanced at Lovino and Matthew. "I... have an idea, yes..."

Lovino groaned, "If you keep suggesting things, I _will_ leave."

"I still don't know what's going on," Matthew chimed as he watched the other two boys seemingly argue with their eyes.

Julchen sighed dramatically, "It happens all the time around these two, and Fran knows what's going on but I don't; it's so unawesome."

"Seeing as your definition of awesome includes yourself, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be 'awesome'," Lovino stood and stretched before beginning to walk towards the stairs, "I'm going to pay my respect to Lotte and make sure that Skulls and Roses didn't kill each other yet. You three, bond or some shit," He paused, turning around to glare at Antonio, "And god damn it, stop it already."

"So..."

"How did you meet Lovi?"

"Um," Matthew's eyes shifted to his right. He couldn't very well tell Antonio that he only knew Lovino because he was helping him with his crush.

"Yeah, Birdie," Julchen nudged his arm and he both wanted to move away and closer to her, "How did you meet him? I mean, 'Vino isn't _that_ bad but... you two just make an odd couple, you know?"

"Oh, uh, I just sort of ran into him, and then I found out that he was in my study hall and he just... invited me."

"Ha," Antonio's voice stayed light, but seemed a bit strained, "Lovi doesn't usually bring people with him, ha ha..."

Matthew blinked, and suddenly something popped into his head. _Oh my god, that's why he hates me._  "Are you and Lovino... er... are you..."

"Que?"

"Gott Tonio," Julchen kicked Antonio's shin, "He's trying to ask what _everyone_ asks. He's just way to polite to straight up ask it." A look of understanding took over Antonio's face as Julchen continued, "They're not, by the way. But not because Toni doesn't waht to or anything, in fact-"

"I do hope you aren't talking about romantic gossip without moi!" Francis exclaimed as he unfolded his chair and daintily sat down.

Julchen snorted, "Oh no, obviously us normal people can't understand romance quite like 'zee exquizite frenchman, hon hon hon, effiel tower, baguette.'"

Francis hmph-ed in faux insult, his response (which wasn't likely to be anything but loud throat clearing to make fun of German) was interrupted by Antonio.

"Did you two see Lovi up there?"

When Francis and Guinevere replied in the negative, Antonio's brows furrowed. "Ah, well I think I'll just... yeah," He turned to Matthew, "It was... lovely meeting you. Or something."

And he was gone before Matthew could return the compliment (Or, pseudo compliment, really).

_This is going just wonderfully._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rly spamano centric and I'm upset.
> 
> Whatever. The only translation is what Tonio says when he hhug-amnushes Lovi, and that'd be "I missed you, why didn't you sit with me in study hall"
> 
> Chapter notes:
> 
> *Lovino understands Spanish. He just doesn't speak it
> 
> *Geniveve is the French version of Genevere so yeah.
> 
> *This chapter is literally ew but oh well
> 
> ALSO! I was considering a prequel/in-betwequel/sequel from Lovino's pov. What do you guys think? And I HAVE ONE PERSON WHO WANTS FRUK, AND ONE WHO WANTS USUK. I personally don't care, so if we don't get anything to flip the balance, neither will happen bc I can't decide. There's a poll on [my ff.net page](https://www.fanfiction.net/~nerdyfanchick) about it if you don't want to comment for some reason btw.


	4. How to Make Small Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who has the shitiest luck in the world.
> 
> I was done with writing all the chapters and I was pumped and then my computer fucking died. So since the end of March, I had to try and force my dad to go get it fixed so I could get my stuff off. But guess whose laptop is _still not fixed._ I would've started writing sooner, but my home instructor decided to suddenly pay attention to me at the beginning of April, so I was given a metric shitonne of work to do, but now I have time. So! I have to rewrite every chapter. I just finished this one and thought I'd post it because I'm so sorry.

"... And his hair was orange for a month and a half! Birdie, you don't know weird until one of your best friends becomes a long haired Weasley overnight," Julchen began to snicker, as if just remembering it was too much, "Gotta give it to Gwenie, that was probably best prank on Franny _ever_."

Matthew tried to stifle his laughter for Francis' sake, he really did, but Julchen had a way of telling stories that made them exponentially more funny (even if she did almost hit him a few times with her exuberant hand gestures).

Guinevere's scowl deepened, "If you hadn't just complimented me, then I would've yelled at you for calling me 'Gwenie'. I don't know if I'd call it the best prank on the Frog though, the debagging one in 2011 was pretty good."

Julchen nodded excitedly, but before she could launch into another spiel, Francis clapped a hand over her mouth. A while ago, Francis had reclaimed his spot on the couch, pushing Julchen back into the middle and Matthew over to the side. Francis seemed to value his space though, because he had pushed Julchen over enough that her and Matthew's arms were touching and when Julchen put her right hand down, she almost did so over Matthew's left. Needless to say, his blush was pretty much a permanent feature at this point.

"I think that we should stop embarrassing me," Francis pointed a weak glare at Julchen, who pretended not to notice, "And talk more about Jules' petit ami~"

Matthew smiled awkwardly even though the way Francis purred out his last sentence made his skin crawl. Before he reply, Julchen narrowed her eyes at Francis, "Zurück aus, Frenchy."

"Tsk, when you bring such a garçon mignon, I have to at least try, chéri."

Mignon. Francis had called him cute. Matthew blushed to his toes, vehemently shaking his head as he denied it, "Non, non, je ne suis pas mignon, vraiment!"

"Oh lord," Guinevere muttered, "He speaks Frog too."

Francis furrowed his brow, "Quoi? Your accent is thick. Vous êtes Français?"

"... Canadienne. Ma meré est du Québec," Matthew clarified, speaking slowly. He knew that his accent would be hard to understand for anyone who didn't grow up speaking québécois, especially someone who was apparently raised on français proper. Not that he had a problem with French speakers who were actually from France, unlike his mother, who tended to call them a variety of things that would go against the Canadian stereotype of politeness.

"Oh, Quebec. What a shame." Francis clicked his tongue in the way that all European French speakers did when he said his mother was from Quebec, and Matthew felt a surge of nationalism, even if he had lived most of his life in the states.

"Quel dommage que tu parles en trou de cul de poule," Matthew muttered quickly, having faith that his quiet voice and thick accent would conceal the insult.

"What?"

Matthew cocked his head slightly to the left, the picture of innocence, "What?"

Julchen snickered quietly, and Matthew almost broke the charade to smile because she obviously knew; she did have several classes with him, she had seen this act before. Luckily, before Matthew could mess up his act or Francis could ask any questions, the screech of a chair being pulled across the ground startled them all.

Lovino, who had just plopped down in said chair, Antonio following after him (and looking much more upset than he had when he left), reddened when they all stared at him. "What? Can't a guy rejoin the annoying group that he left and not be stared at like a fucking alien?"

"I wouldn't exactly say he was like an alien, maybe something from somewhere further down," Antonio, who had sat down much more quietly, grumbled and received a sharp glare in response. 

"Ah, amor in iuventute," Guinevere smirked as she spoke in whatever language that was, and a quick look around the circle told Matthew that no one but Lovino actually understood her. "Et decorus."

"Me a iuventute mea, et non custodierit anulum! I mean _really_ , it's like a cliche romance novel," Lovino snarled back

"Please," Guinevere rolled her eyes, "As if your life isn't something straight out of one of Sakura's animus."

"They're _animes_ , you idiot."

"The fact that you know that proves my point."

"Well!" Matthew turned and got a face full of Julchen's hair, which had previously been pressed against the couch. "Not that listening to you two arguing isn't fun, but I think I'm gonna go get some air."

Matthew watched her go until someone kicked his shin. He swallowed down the yelp and looked up to see Lovino intensely glaring at him. Oh. He was supposed to go with her. "H-hey, Jules, wait up! I'll come with you."

Julchen slowed down so he could catch up, which took some time with his throbbing leg. _Tabernak_ , he thought, _Lovino kicks hard. Is it too late to rethink this matchmaking thing?_

He didn't have much time to ponder that because they ran into Lovino's sister, Alice.

"Oh! Ve, hi Julie!" Matthew was slightly off-put that he wasn't even acknowledged, but put it down to the fact that Alice spent most of the ride bickering with her brother, not paying attention to a stranger.

Julchen did a rather complicated-looking handshake with Alice then grinned, "Where's my baby sister? Isn't she supposed to be watching over her cute little Italien?"

"Oh Julie, I'm not _her_ Italian," Alice replied and it was weird to hear a phrase that sounded like something Lovino would say with irritation come out, in a voice so similar to his, incredibly wistful. "And she went to go get us drinks, ve, since it's really hard to figure out which ones Lars spiked, you know? Oh, but I didn't mean to distract you from your date, I can't believe you didn't introduce us!" Alice set her most innocent smile on her face, Somehow managing to look like an angel and a disappointed parent at the same time, "Ve, how inconsiderate of you; he seems like such a nice boy."

There was a awkward pause, and Matthew was absolutely positive of three things: First, Alice Vargas knew about her brothers mission and, judging by the green, white, and red rhinestoned phone in her hand, Lovino had recently asked her to help; secondly, Alice was definitely not as airheaded as she liked to seem, and was probably much closer to Alfred in that matter -- using her dumb persona to get what she wanted; and finally, that Matthew didn't know whether to feel relieved or terrified by those facts, and was pretty sure that he'd be okay either way.

When Julchen stopped being shocked, she tried to laugh it off. "Kesesese, we're not, I mean, this is just Birdie."

Alice brightened considerably, a gleam of excitement flashing through her eyes, and Matthew decided that yes, Alice being a manipulative mastermind was definitely a terrifying thing. "Ah, so this is the Birdie that Moni says you're always-"

"OH LOOK, IT'S LOTTE AND HER CREEPY ARCHER BOYFRIEND," Julchen yelled over Alice and pulled Matthew away just in time to see Alice wink and give him a thumbs up, "LET'S GO SAY HI!"

Once they were a safe distance away from the Italian girl, Julchen sighed. "Gott, I love Ali like a sister, but the girl will talk your ear off if you let her," she took a moment to rub a hand down her face, "And she always says the most embarrassing things. If she wasn't such a sweetheart the rest of the time, I'd say she was doing it on purpose."

So Julchen didn't see what he did. He wondered how many people saw that side of Alice. "Well, it wasn't that bad..." And he trailed off not because he didn't  know what to say, but because Julchen had grabbed his hand to drag him away and she still hadn't let go and his face was burning and her hand fit so well with his and-

"Eek!" Julchen squealed and let go of his hand like it was a burning coal, "Sorry about that Birdie, ha ha, guess I forgot."

"Ha. No problem."

They settled into silence, still walking close enough that they could hold hands, and Matthew's itched to reach out. _Dieu. This is going to be a long party_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, mio belli litore, the party only lasts until next chapter. It was supposed to end this one, and I'm p sure it did in the original chapter 4, but oh fucking well, I wanted to put a lot of unnecessary French in this chapter.
> 
> I think all the French is explained, so I'm not going to translate it, but Gwenie and Lovi are speaking Latin because I like the headcanon that Iggy and Romano can both still speak Latin and stole it for this fic. They basically say "Oh, young love, how beautiful." and "I'm not the one who still has a ring that they got when they were 6." The second translation is p much into modern english, because I think the Latin means, literally "I have not a ring from my youth still" and that's cray. By the way, the ring thing is a FrUk plot point, since FrUk has dominated the vote.
> 
> AH WAIT THE LAST THING THAT MATT SAYS TO FRAN IS "IT'S A SHAME YOU SPEAK OUT THE ASS OF A CHICKEN" AND THAT'S A QUEBECOIS INSULT THAT MEANS THAT YOU HAVE A PARISIAN ACCENT AND I THINK THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
> 
> Once again, sorry, and I hope to have the next chapter out by next week!


	5. How to Make Small Talk Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter where Julchen cries and I fiNALLY END THIS ARC

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE A VALID EXCUSE BUT I'M GOING TO SPARE YOU ALL AND JUST GET ON WITH THE CHAPTER

Julchen and Matthew sat side by side on the Peeters' porch—because, despite the unusually hot October weather, it was the only place in the house that they could go without being bombarded by people that Lovino had contacted—in a comfortable quiet.

"You know, Birdie," Julchen cracked the silence and her knuckles simultaneously, "I think we've seen almost everyone that goes to our school."

And then Matthew, who was _sure_ that his mouth was determined to ruin this for him, blushed slightly and said, "And they all seem to think we're dating."

Matthew was too concerned with mentally bashing his head into the deck to notice that Julchen's cheeks also flushed. "Yeah. I mean, do we even look like a couple?"

Admittedly, they had spent a good ten minutes of the party with their fingers interlocked, and there had been several instances where Julchen had been holding onto and/or hanging over him, but overall, "I don't think so," _But I wish we did_.

A few moments of silence, then, "I'm really glad we're friends, Birdie."

Matthew turned his head so quickly, he was sure he'd have whiplash, "Eh?"

"I mean," Julchen waved her hands, her eyes stubbornly not meeting Matthew's own wide ones, "Tonio and Franny are great and all, but it's nice to have someone outside the trio, you know? Like, Toni has the Vargas' -- he pretty much claimed them when he met them -- and Francis has at least two close friends beside us, but I never really had anyone. Not before I met you."

"Jules... I-"

"I know what you're thinking, 'Gee! If Jules doesn't have any friends, then who are all those people she hangs with?' and they're okay, but if I was dying and I could only chose like 1 person to hang out with before it happened, none of them would even be in my top 20 choices. And it's so dumb because I'm fucking awesome, I should be able to keep close friends, but I always accidentally end up pushing them away or they get tired of me, and I'm sure that you and Tonio and Franny will eventually, but you haven't yet and I just-"

"Jules." Matthew grabbed her rapidly gesturing hands and smiled softly into her wide and slightly wet eyes, "I'm glad we're friends too."

And, if anyone asked, Julchen Beilschmidt definitely did not end up crying into Matthew's shoulder while he rubbed calming circles on her back.

They stayed there for a while, enjoying each others company, until Julchen was sure that her face wasn't a puffy, red, tear-stained mess, then decided to brave the house again.

"Maybe we should go find Ms. Peeters? We could ask her and then thank her for the party." Matthew suggested after Julchen admitted that she had no idea how to get back to the basement.

Julchen only sighed in response, like she was explaining the complexities of the universe to a child, "Look, Birdie, you may think it's rude but this guy that Lotte's dating is my cousin. He's captain of the archery team and super creepy and protective and he could skewer the wings off a fly from a hundred feet away if he wanted. You wouldn't want to meet him."

Matthew hummed, still unconvinced, and was actually extremely happy when a feminine voice called out to them as they walked.

"Yoohoo! Jules!"

"Ugh, we can only hope that she's not with Jorgen Von Shooter," Julchen groaned quietly before slapping on a smile and turning to the blonde behind them. "Hey Lots, this party is totally awesome."

The headbanded girl bounced happily, "Wonderful! You just missed Vash, you know; he went to drop Lily back off at their house a couple minutes ago, but oh well." Julchen's grin turned a notch more sincere as Lotte glanced at Matthew the same way that _everyone_ that they had talked to had glanced at him. He inwardly sighed, preparing for the worst. "Anyway, who's your friend?"

"He's not my boyfr-" Julchen started robotically, trailing off and squinting at Lotte when it processed that she had just said 'friend'.

"Oh dear," Lotte covered her mouth in surprise and innocence, although the light in her eyes told Matthew that this had been her plan. "Someone is really, _completely_ _unnecessarily_ , defensive today. You know, Vash used to act just like that before-"

"Matthew Williams," Matthew's inner gentleman cringed as he spoke over Lotte, but he was sure that his face resembled a rose and Julchen looked like she wanted to punch something, "Pleasure to meet you."

Lotte took his hand with a grin, "Lovely to meet you as well. You're _so_ much nicer than Julchen's other friends."

"Lars hating Tonio because of middle school doesn't give you cause to," Julchen seemed to actually growl in defense of one of her best friends.

"It doesn't, does it? Good thing that annoying Iberian provides me plenty of other reasons to dislike him, then!" Lotte held a hand up to silence any objections from Julchen. "It was nice seeing you both, and I hope you have a wonderful night! I have a party to keep under control, but the basement is right over there, third door down the hallway, if that's what you're looking for."

Julchen seethed as Lotte flounced off. "I don't get what's up with her. She and Lars and 'Vino are the only people I can think of that don't like Tonio. Well, them and Gwenie, but she at least _acts_ like she can stand him most of the time."

"Maybe it's an 'L' thing?" Matthew suggested, hoping to at least get her to smile, "They probably have secret 'L' name meetings to decide on who to hate, and Antonio just keeps getting unlucky."

Julchen snorted and ruffled his hair. "You always know just what to say, Birdie."

As soon as they got to the basement, Lovino grabbed Matthew.

"Thank god you're back. Guinevere and the bastard are fighting about the elusive shit that went on in 8th grade again."

"Again?" Matthew questioned. This was the second time he'd heard something about fighting tonight.

Julchen spared him a glance that said _It's out of your depth_ , and addressed Lovino, "Why didn't Fran stop them?"

Lovino rolled his eyes, "Because they have 'unresolved tensions' and they 'need this'. Fucking Frenchmen." Julchen huffed and Lovino carried on, "Anyway, you have to stop them. It's annoying as hell and they won't even tell me why the fuck they're arguing."

"Yeah, yeah, I wi-Wait, you're leaving?"

"Duh. It's getting late and I have to drop off the potatoette and Matteo. I don't have time to deal with these assholes."

Matthew wondered if he was going to get any say in whether or not they stayed, but as Lovino was incredibly stubborn _and_ his ride home, he didn't see any point in arguing it.

"Oh, um, okay," Julchen smiled, looking almost sheepish, before quickly hugging Matthew. "See you on Monday, Matt?"

Matthew felt like he was floating. "Yeah, see you then!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS ARC IS FINALLY OVER HALLELUJAH
> 
> Jesus christ that took forever. Anyway, about the Jules crying thing, that has literally happened to me. I broke into sobs on a friend ~~that I had a crush on~~ at a party because friendship.
> 
> ANYWHO! the 8th grade part is going to be a thing by the way (So is the Lotte Hates Antonio thing. Lotte is going to be important, if not in this one, then in Lovino's). It will be explained in the eventually coming companion fic that will focus on Fem!Iggy and... FRUKUS! Why? Because I like frukus and after I declared fruk the winner, a bunch of usuk people flocked here and why have love triangles when you can have the amazingness that is a polyamourus relationship amirite
> 
> I think that's all, and I have to be up in less than 4 hours, so good night!


	6. How to Switch Perspectives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we have a quick switch to the past and Julchen's pov

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm srz but my matthew muse is just like 'goodbye lydia have fun trying to write w/o me" and I can't write for Matt rn, which sucks bc I really like the next chapter :C So you guys get this intermission, because writer's block is a bitch and Julchen is not
> 
> Oh, and we have a tumblr tag now ["fic: sygf"](http://www.hamsteakandpasta.tumblr.com/tagged/fic:%20sygf) [holla at me y'all](http://www.hamsteakandpasta.tumblr.com)
> 
> and two quick things:
> 
> 1\. This chap uses a bunch of german, but mostly endearments and easy stuff.
> 
> 2\. this chap mentions the Great Himaruya High _(Their school has an official name now!!!)_ Food Fight, which is a food fight that happened because Julchen and Antonio were throwing pieces of food at Francis when he was sleeping and Jules accidentally hit Nyo!China in the back with gravy. There's a (spamano) oneshot in the series for it, but it's not at all necessary for you to read that to get this. Just know that it was **America, France, Nyo!Russia, Nyo!China (//cough cough Allies)** vs **Nyo!Pryssia, Hungary, Austria, Nyo!Japan (Axis without Monika and Ali who were both in middle school at the time) and Canada (Who Julchen stole from the other team because he had nice aim and maple syrup)**

It was Freshman year, during the middle of the Beilschmidt's bi-monthly "Everyone clear your schedules because we are going to eat as a _family_ , and if you aren't there then you aren't sleeping in my house" dinner, when Julchen realized that her interest in the quiet boy with the fantastic aim from the Great Himaruya High Food Fight might be more than admiration.

"Oh mai'n gaht, Ai hab a cruff!"

"Schatz," Louise Beilschmidt, who looked almost just like Monika, aside from her scarlet eyes and deep scar, chided softly, "Don't speak with your mouth full."

"En'sch'di'ung, m'tti," Julchen said through food, then chewing and swallowing (and sort of almost choking) down her food, she started again, "I think I have a crush."

Akbar Beilschmidt ruffled her hair, "That's wonderful, my little mouseling, tell us about him?"

"Vatti, don't be so embarrassing," Julchen whined, "You don't make West talk about Ali!"

Monika, who had been trying to discretely text someone (Gee, Julchen wondered who it could  _possibly_  be) and block out her family's shenanigans, startled. "W-Was?"

"Vatti was trying to get me to talk about my new crush, and I said that they never make you talk about Ali, so it's not fair."

Monika blushed deeply and stammered out a weak, "Ali- It's not- I-I don't have a _crush_ on Alice. We're just friends," and everyone at the table collectively rolled their eyes.

"Ja, sure, whatever. _Anyway_ , the guy I like is, like, _super_ quiet but he helped my team win the food fight-"

"I don't think _anyone_ won that food fight, Julchen," Her mother interjected using her Stern Voice.

"-So he's totally awesome too," Julchen finished, as if her mother didn't say anything. "He's really skittish though, like some sort of bird or something. His hair's like Franny's, only less light-ish, and his eyes are a super weird color."

"You're one to talk," Muttered Monika, and when Julchen threw a spoon at her, she glared back.

"Don't be mean, _Moniiiiii_."

Monika threw her another scathing look, and returned to her text conversation.

"He sounds like a nice young man, Jule," Her father interjected, trying to ease the tension, "You should- ah, what's the word, Häschen?"

Louise tapped her chin in thought, "Hm, I think it's... 'pursue', Liebling. Your father and I think you should pursue this boy, Julchen."

Julchen buried her face in her arms, because her parents were _so embarrassing_ , but...

Maybe they had a point with this whole "pursuing" thing.

Step one: Figure out his name, step two: Get him to notice her.

* * *

A month later and Julchen had had minimal progress.

She had "met" the boy --  _Matthew_ , Matthew Williams-Jones (And, honestly, Julchen Williams-Jones was a bit much but Matthew Beilschmidt sounded _perfect_ ) -- several times, and every single time, he introduced himself and asked for her name.

He, for some unknowable reason, couldn't manage to remember _Julchen Beilschmidt_.

Julchen, who _daily_ did something ridiculous and attention-getting with the BTT, who was possibly the loudest person in their school, who was _basically almost an albino_.

"Oh! Hi! ...I'm sorry... What was your name again?"

And he couldn't even remember her name.

It was before classes, and she was by the huge oak out front of their school, where she, after much investigation (read: sort of kind of stalking), knew that Matthew hung out around in the mornings.

"Julchen, Julchen Beilschmidt. We have a class together," _And I've told you my name three times this week_. Normally, Julchen would just give up, probably ignore the boy forever, but this guy...

"Ah, sorry," This guy could smile sheepishly and fiddle with his glasses or that polar bear key chain on his bag and she'd forget why she was annoyed, "I'm really bad with remembering people... sorry."

Julchen waved off his apology, "It's fine, Birdie!"

 _Oh my god,_ Julchen paled as Matthew turned red, _I just called a guy that I_ _don't even really_ _know a dumb, spur of the moment nickname. And it's not even something_ cool _! Just "Birdie"; Gott, how unawesome._

"'B-Birdie'? Is that supposed to be me?" When Julchen's mortification faded enough so that she could look up, Matthew's cheeks were a light pink, and he was twisting a few strands of hair around his finger. _Huh_ , she thought, _so that's why that part's so much more curlier than the rest._

"Kesese, of course, Birdie!" Julchen did what she always did when she unsure or embarrassed, talked and hoped that no one noticed her momentary awesomeness slip. "You seem pretty awesome, so you get an awesome nickname too! That's okay, right?"

Matthew continued to play with his hair and not look Julchen in the eyes, but mumbled out a quick, "Yeah, s'fine," before disappearing when the warning bell rang.

But, when Julchen said hi to him two bells later, he smiled softly back at her grin and waved.

_Mission Accomplished._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was really fun to write, honestly. Oh, and their parents are 2p!Nyo!Germany and 2p!Prussia. All these guys have parents who are 2p and/or nyo. Hopefully a real chap will be up soon!
> 
> fingers crossed!!!


	7. How to Sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Lovino/Matthew friendship levels up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking that this is the longest chapter thus far!
> 
> Okay so news: I'm doing [NaNoWriMo this year (Add me as a writing buddy!!!)](http://www.nanowrimo.org/participants/nerdyfanchick), which is great! Unless you're someone that wants updates before December. 
> 
> During November I'm going to focus mostly on my NaNovel and I _might_ end up writing a couple of one-shots/chapter parts if I have the time (I've never done NaNo, so idk if I will) 
> 
> Also I went back and minorly edited some chapters, nothing that'll affect the story, but like just housekeeping stuff, y'know
> 
> But I hope you guys enjoy your surprise update ( it's a surprise for me too, I didn't think I'd finish this so quickly omg)!

"What?" Matthew's voice cracked on the simple word, sounding surprisingly like a dying cat. He and Lovino were stalled in front of his house -- Monika and Alice were apparently going to get a ride from Julchen or something -- and he was sure that there was no way he had heard Lovino correctly.

Lovino huffed and looked out his window. "I just suggested it because it would make it easier to brainstorm ideas to get the Mercury Lamp to notice you if you stayed over, but whatever."

"No, no, I mean, I have to ask my parents, but that'd be great!" Matthew quickly assured Lovino, carefully avoiding telling him that they would probably be _delighted_ that their reclusive son had a friend, before asking, "But, uh, 'Mercury Lamp'?"

"Julchen," Lovino clarified, before mumbling, "I need friends that get my references, damn it."

"Oh, okay, cool. So just let me go ask my parents and pack a bag? And you can come in if you want?"

Lovino shrugged, but hopped out anyway and followed Matthew to the porch. Matthew paused with a hand on the doorknob.

"Okay, fair warning, my mom is...Well, she's not bad, per say, she's just... a _lot_ like Al; I'll leave it at that. If you're lucky, then we'll only run into maman."

"Wha-"

Matthew didn't give Lovino time to finish, whipping the door open and immediately dodging the large white blur that was Kuma. Lovino, who made a noise that could only be rendered as ‘urblasmth' as he was tackled by the overexcited dog, was evidently not as lucky. Marianne Williams-Jones was outside seconds later, her normally-ponytailed hair falling loose and framing her distressed face in curly loops.

"Kuma!" His maman yelled, not even trying to remember the second, much debated and forgotten part of Kuma's name, "Get back inside right- Oh dear."

Matthew and Marianne worked to pull the Great Pyrenees off of Lovino, which was extremely hard because Kuma was _heavy_ and neither of them were particularly strong, but they did eventually get him off, even if he was still lingering around Lovino's general area.

"I'm so sorry for that, Kuma just gets overexcited... all the time," Marianne apologized to Lovino, who was honestly more preoccupied with getting the dog spit off his face then her. Nonetheless, he responded politely, something that Matthew was actually _really_ surprised by.

"It's fine, signora, I've dealt with worse."

Marianne smiled gently, before scrunching her face up, "If you don't mind me asking so, um, who are you?"

"How rude of me; perdonami, signora," Lovino held out a hand, the picture of a gentleman, "I'm Matthew's... school friend. Lovino Vargas."

Marianne gasped, looking from Matthew to Lovino, " _You're Matthew's friend?_ " Matthew prayed to every God he knew of for the ground to swallow him up. When it didn't, he was subject to incredulous looks from his maman and Lovino obviously trying really hard not to laugh. "I'm sorry; I've just never met one of Matthew's little friends, other than that slightly terrifying German girl that came over once. I have to- Amelia will be  _ecstatic_."

Matthew inwardly groaned as his maman rushed back into the house. They'd have to face mom's enthusiasm now. 

"You took the time to warn me about your mom -- who was a fucking delight, for your information -- but you didn't think to tell me that you were harboring a  _hellhound_."

"That was maman," Matthew shrugged as the boys followed Kuma, who had apparently lost interest in Lovino, inside. "Maman's normal... mostly. It's mom that I'm worried about."

Once the boys were in the entryway, Matthew could hear his mothers' excited voices. _Great_.

The Williams-Jones house wasn't anything particularly special, just a typical Himaruya suburban house; 4-bed-2-bath, mostly open downstairs. With Lovino, Lovino who drove a Maserati and (probably) imported clothes from Italy, Matthew felt sort of self-conscious of their mostly average, sort of cluttered decor (The only things that stood out were the intricate dining room table that grandmère had sent them, and the old, worn couch that mom had gotten out of pop-pop's will).

"It's so... homey," Lovino muttered, flushing when he realized that Matthew had heard him. "I meant that in, y'know, a good way. Looks lived in and comfy and shit."

Matthew cocked his head in confusion, but before he could ask a loud voice interrupted them. 

"So I hear that my Mattie's brought someone home! A Vargas, right?" Amelia Williams-Jones' voice boomed as she came sliding out of the kitchen, stopping just before crashing into the boys, leaning forward to examine Lovino. "Oh gee, isn't he just fancy-looking? What was you name again, sugar? My 'Annie is just the worst with names and by the time she started talking she couldn't remember what it was."

"Um, Lovino, ma'am," Lovino answered, obviously offput by her loudness and energy.  _He should be here on Sundays when Amelia and Alfred watch football together, then he'd know energy._

"Hahahahaha, he said 'ma'am', ain't that just the cutest thing?" Amelia stuck her hand in Lovino's face, and Matthew had to stifle laughter when Lovino timidly shook it, "It's just Amelia, kiddo!"

"Mom," Matthew interrupted before Lovino could self-combust in embarrassment, "Can I stay over at the Vargas' tonight?"

" _Ohmondieu_ ," Marianne's voice came from around the corner, "Our little Matthew wants to have a  _sleepover_!"

_Oh my god, why._

" _Maman_ , please stop," Matthew whined.

Amelia winked at the boys, "Yeah 'Annie, they're teenagers now, and teenagers don't have 'sleepovers', right? They have some other lingo for it." _  
_

_Why._

"Oh, oh, je vois," Marianne winked as well, her eyes glittering behind her glasses, "Oui, Matthieu, you can go 'hang out' at your friend's house tonight!"

"Merci, mères," Matthew nearly sighed in relief, before dragging Lovino up to his room. "Dieu, they're embarrassing."

"I don't know, they seem nice," Lovino shrugged, before scowling at the ground and muttering something like "At least they try."

Matthew stared at the Italian's scowl for a second, before deciding that it wasn't his place to ask and turning to pack up his duffel.

* * *

The second he stepped into the Vargas' home -- _More like mansion_ , Matthew thought -- he understood what Lovino had meant when he called Matthew's place homely. From the outside, the Vargas' was nice; a pretty whitewashed three-story with lots and lots of pillars, professional landscaping, and a cast iron gate that just scream  _Rich!!!_. The inside was sparsely decorated, lots of closed doors with crystal knobs, and the few things that Matthew had seen were bright, organically shaped 'modern' stuff, sticking out sorely in the Vargas' traditional and lightly colored home. 

 _("Nonno's got this new girlfriend -- Da-something, I think -- and she's_ really _into post-modernism or what-the-fuck-ever. He lets his flavor-of-the-week pick out the decor, not that they're usually here to actually see it, because he thinks its a nice gesture or something," Lovino had said when he caught Matthew looking at the out of place furnishings. "In my opinion, the only 'nice' thing about it is that when they break up, he ships all this shit out to the chick so that we can go back to ma-_ normal _furniture."_

_Matthew had pretended not to notice his 'ma'-something slip)_

Lovino led him up a grand staircase, past the occasional piece of impressive artwork, and to a deep red door. Lovino opened the door to reveal what Matthew  _thought_ was a bedroom. Keyword: thought, because _wow_ , it had a huge floor-to-roof mirror and a flatscreen and an xBox and beanbag chairs and _is that a mini grill?_

"This is your room?" Matthew breathed, barely able to believe it.

"Sort of. This is like," Lovino made some vague gestures, ears red, "Like the... 'foyer', I think the word is? That door's my actual bedroom, that one's the bathroom, and that's my closet. I'm going to go get my pajamas on, you can use the bathroom to change."

Matthew nodded, grabbing his bag and going into the (Huge! Extremely nice! With a  _Jacuzzi tub_!) bathroom and quickly putting on his flannel pants and old Maple Leaves shirt. When he was done, Lovino still hadn't finished, so he started to look around.

 _This isn't snooping!_ He reasoned with himself,  _You're just making sure that he's not some sort of... axe murderer! Yeah, we'll go with that_.

From his not-snooping, Matthew found out that the cabinet beneath the hanging T.V. was  _filled_ with movies. There were VHS's and DVDs, and most of the cases were labeled in Italian, but the English ones were mostly documentaries. Matthew thought that it was a bit weird, since Lovino hadn't came off to him as a history buff, but he supposed that lots of people wouldn't think that he was into hockey at first either. He picked one on the American Manifest Destiny years and opened it up to see...

 _27 Dresses_?

Matthew stared at the disc, the case cover, then back at the disc. "Eh?"

"Oh cazzo," Lovino was frozen in his doorway, his face rapidly reddening in a bad contrast to his orange sleepshirt and black shorts. "You weren't supposed to find those."

 _Those?_ Matthew rose an eyebrow, looking back at the cabinet,  _Does that mean that there are_ more _romcoms in there?_

"If you tell  _anyone_ that I have a collection of dumb romantic movies, like I'm a _girl_ or some shit, then I swear to god, I'll- I'll-"

"Don't worry about it, Lovino," Matthew cut him off as he shut the case in his hands, glancing up at Lovino's still-panicked face, making a split-second decision. "That's what friends are for, right?"

Matthew held his breath. Lovino's face was back to it's normal impassive scowl, plus a magnificent blush, but his golden eyes flashed with emotion.

"Y-yeah," Lovino said finally, coming to sit next to Matthew on the floor, "Friends and all that."

"You know, I actually really like this one. Al and I marathon romcoms sometimes, and this is one of his favorites."

Lovino blinked owlishly and Matthew had to suppress the grin that was threatening to spread across his face. "Really?"

"Really," Matthew confirmed, letting some of the smile bleed through.

"Do you... do you want to watch it? I haven't seen this one in for-fucking-ever, but like, it's pretty good," Lovino reached in and pulled out one of the Italian cases, popping it open. "My favorite right now is  _How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days_ though, because it's so great that the southern bastard gets a taste of his own medicine in, and then they fall in love anyway. I actually have a bunch -- way more than I need, that's for sure -- plus the few that Ali owns... if you want to watch any of them, that is." 

"Why not?" Matthew said, because even if his favorite movie genre was psychological thriller, he still liked getting gross mushy feelings from movies. _And because,_ he thought, _Lovino definitely deserves to smile more._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //FRIENDSHIP INTENSIFIES
> 
> Even if Matt doesn't know it, he's just taken it onto himself to become the best of best friends with Lovi. We're talking like Troy and Abed levels of friendship up in here guys.
> 
> Also, I said last chapter that the parents were all Nyo or 2p? The Williams-Jones parents are Nyo!Canada and Nyo!America, who had Al and Matt by the same surrogate father at about the same time (It was an accident. Amelia's pregnancy test results had shown a false negative (shhhh of course it happens irl) and so they decided to try with Marianne (Because Amelia wanted to pass on the pretty eye gene to their kids) and voila! Months later, they discover that they're both preggers, and the rest is history). Himaruyans (I'M UNORIGINAL WITH TOWN NAMES BUT AT LEAST IT'S NOT NAMED HETALIA) are super accepting, which is why the Williams-Jones' moved there, so no one gave them shit for accidentally having two kids at once, and for the boys' first five years, everyone in town thought they were twins (The same surrogate thing is why they look so similar).
> 
> Next time: Pancakes! Shopping! Romance! Actual prucan! Probably not any snuck-in spamano!


	8. That one filler chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chap is fully just filler, but hey at least it's nice filler~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ngl I wrote this one to force my writers block away, so I feel like it's a bit choppy and stuff, but my sister said to stop being lame and post it already bc it's been forever and it's fine or something, so here we are! If all goes well and school doesn't kill me, next chap will be out within 2 weeks <3

“You are _not_ putting maple syrup in your omelet.”

Matthew and Lovino were in the Vargas’ kitchen, possibly the largest room in the house, making breakfast. Matthew had started up on pancakes and Lovino was whipping up some omelets. Lovino had asked Matthew what he wanted on his, and Matthew hadn't even touched the bottle of syrup (The good kind too! Lovino said that they imported it or something) when Lovino denied him.

“But Lovino-”

“No, damn it! Enough is enough,” Lovino huffed, crossing his arms over his chest and looking as resolute as a man in a flower-patterned apron could. “You can't just dump liquefied sugar into everything you eat. And anyway, syrup will mess with the taste of my tomatoes.”

“What if I don't want tomatoes in mine?”

“Why the fuck would you not want tomatoes? Have you ever had an omelet with tomatoes?” Lovino looked incredulous, like tomatoes were the best thing ever and it didn't make sense not to have them. “Obviously not, if you're claiming that you don’t want them. Just focus on your pancakes, you, you… _Canadian_.”

“Was that supposed to be an insult?” Matthew laughed. “I am part Canadian, you Italian.”

Lovino huffed and turned more towards his side of the stove top -- to hide his blush, if his red ears were any indicator. “I think I liked you better when you were too scared of me to be a sassy little shit.”

Matthew took the last pancake off the skillet, smiling, “That was before I knew you could quote _The Princess Bride_.”

“Hey, _The Princess Bride_ is the shit,” Lovino bumped Matthew good-naturedly as he joined him at the table. “Damn, this actually looks good.”

Matthew nodded his agreement as he grabbed the maple syrup bottle and poured syrup over everything on his plate. Literally everything. He had made large spiral over his pancakes and omelet and fruit, and it was perfect.

Look, Matthew really liked maple syrup, okay?

“How can you eat that?” Lovino asked, cringing despite the undertone of amazement in his voice, as Matthew took a bite of his sticky, maple-y omelet.

“‘S d’lich’us,” Matthew mumbled through his mouthful, “B’st thin’ ev’a.”

“Fucking disgusting,” Lovino huffed, before pointedly not looking at Matthew for the rest of the meal.

The previous night had been fun, especially after Matthew had dragged Lovino out of his "super tough scary guy" persona. Matthew had slowly wheedled personal information out of Lovino (Like the fact that he could quote _Hitch_ and several other romcoms) between plotting out a game plan.

"Look, this is going to be super easy," Lovino had said, ignoring Matthew's confusion at the statement, "The only thing we really need to do is... Get you some respectable clothes. Yes, that's the number one priority, because like hell am I letting you go out in the rags you pick out. ... No offense."

Matthew had taken some offense (He called his clothes _rags_!), but the plan was set. They ate breakfast, then Lovino led Matthew through winding halls and out to the garage. Matthew was a bit starstruck -- last night he hadn't noticed the number of keys on the rack, all marked with the delicate, looping handwriting that Matthew now recognized as Lovino’s -- but there were a lot of cars, all extremely nice. Lovino paused, before grabbing a key and heading to a bright yellow Fiat.

“Guinevere says she’ll meet us there, so it should be fine to take ‘Mone.”

Matthew's eyebrow's rose at the affectionate tone in Lovino's voice. He had heard of carheads naming their 'babies', but Lovino didn't seem the type. “You name your cars?”

“It’s not like I name them all,” Lovino flushed, “Just Limone here and the Maserati.”

“What’s the Maserati’s name?” Lovino looked away sharply, obviously embarrassed, and Matthew backed off reflexively, not wanting him to be uncomfortable. “It’s okay if you don’t want to-”

“It’s Pomo, like pomodoro -- tomato.”

Matthew blinked in surprise. “Oh. That’s cool.”

Lovino shot Matthew a crooked, genuine smile before climbing into the car.

Exactly 6 minutes and 28 seconds later they arrived at a small store, despite running several red lights and nearly colliding with 2 other cars.

Matthew climbed out, resisting the urge to kiss the ground ( _oh my god Lovino didn't drive like that before, no one should ever drive like that, oh my god that was terrible and I'll have to do it again on the way back, why do bad things happen to good people_ ) and headed over to an impatiently waiting Guinevere.

"Christ, you took forever. What'd you do, actually drive the speed limit?" She asked.

"Fifteen over, mostly," Matthew muttered, eyes still widened in fear, "Five over at his slowest."

Guinevere clapped Matthew's back. "You poor thing. Anyway, I arranged for the boys to meet up with us later -- although, why _I_ have to be the communicator, I don't know -- at the park so we can start operation... What was the name again?"

Lovino clicked his tongue in thought, before smirking at Matthew. "Operation Maple Bastard."

Guinevere rose a brow. "Not going to ask. Anyway, to get operation 'Maple Bastard' moving."

"Perfect! Now," Lovino started, "We still have to do something about your... I guess you _could_ call it an outfit. Sort of. Oh, no offense."

"None taken." Matthew sighed, looking up at the storefront. "Do you really think this'll work?"

Lovino rolled his eyes and led Matthew into the store. "As I said yesterday, this is going to be easy as pie."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovi named his cars Lemon and Tomato because of their colors im sorry but I can TOTALLY see him doing that. 
> 
> Next chapter will /actually/ be romance, shopping, ACTUAL PRUCAN, etc
> 
> Sorry!


	9. How to Prep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They shop. And prepare for the date that I PROMISED LIKE FOREVER AGO BUT STILL DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THIS CHAP I'M SO SORRY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact: this doc's name is "htwap 2ND TO LAST CHAPTER GET EVERYTHING IN THIS CHAP I S2G STOP DILLYDALLYING YOU BULGEMUNCH"
> 
> another fun fact: this isnt the second to last chapter. im horrible and things like finals and ap exams and SCHOOL are destroying me
> 
> EDIT: I ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THE DATE AND THEIR PLAN???? IM JUST GOING TO EDIT LAST CHAP. IM SO SORRY

Matthew laced up the shoes, took a deep breath, and stepped out of the dressing room.

"Oh my god," Lovino shot up from where he'd been lounging on the fitting area couch. Matthew desperately hoped that Lovino was more impressed with this outfit then he had been with others. "This is the look, this is definitely it. Gwen?"

Guinevere looked up from her phone (it had been difficult to get the salesperson to let her on men's side, to say the least, but money spoke to people) and gasped, "Oh, it's _perfect_. I want to buy him galaxy-patterned things and scarves and shirts that ironically reference things that he hasn't even heard of."

"I feel like he's about to tell me about some indie band that literally no one cares about. Go get someone to scan this so he can wear it out."

Matthew glanced down at himself, at the flannel and the tee and the jeans and the plain Converse. He blinked. "This looks exactly like what I usually wear. I mean, the shirt's a v-neck and the jeans are skinny, but otherwise."

Lovino waved a hand. "What you usually wear is like, 'colorblind teen lumberjack'. This is _hipster chic_."

Matthew waited for Lovino to elaborate. Lovino didn't.

"What's the difference?"

Lovino grinned and pulled out a silver card from his wallet as Guinevere came back with a salesperson.

"Hipster chic is much, _much_ more expensive."

* * *

 

"This outfit probably costs more than my arm," Matthew whined when they were in the car, tugging at his new 'hipster chic' clothes.

"Hmm, yeah, but just barely; human arms only go for like $350 each on the black market."

"Do I want to know how you know that?"

Lovino smirked at Matthew. "Probably not."

Matthew nodded, switching gears, "So what's the plan?"

"There honestly isn't one besides throwing you and Julchen together. We'll all 'get separated' from you two, and you have it from there."

"Wait, really?" Matthew paled, "But, how do I-"

Lovino rolled his eyes, "Look, I'm not like, a Hallmark movie style matchmaker. Like, the reason I don't take everyone who asks me for 'matchmaking'? It's not like I have some sort of magic potion that I can slip into the drinks of some chick's crush, you know? I just sort of shove people at each other and hope for the best. It's a lot of finger crossing and 'subtle' hints and just looking to see if people are compatible."

"I don't know, Lovino, that sounds a lot like Hallmark movie matchmaking to me."

"Have I mentioned that I liked you better when you were afraid of me?" Lovino took his eyes off the road for one (mildly terrifying) second to toss Matthew an unamused look. " _The point is_ I can't make Julchen like you. I can't wave my hand and make sure that she'll think you're amazing and perfect and all she's ever wanted. But I  _can_ read people, and I think that she likes you too. So I'm not just throwing you to the Potato and leaving, I'm throwing you to the Potato and hoping that everything will work out. And believe me, I think that it will. Do you trust me?"

Matthew swallowed thickly. Julchen liked him? She didn't think he was too quiet or too boring or too plain? Matthew looked up at Lovino, whose smile had a nervous edge to it.  _He's not magic_ , Matthew reminded himself,  _He's just really good at reading people. And he thinks that Julchen likes you._   "Yeah. I-I think I can do this, if you think she really likes me."

"Good," Lovino slid (literally  _slid_ , there were probably skidmarks on the ground, oh lord) into a parking spot and clicked off his seatbelt. "Because we're here."

 With a nervous glance at the amusement park, Matthew took a deep breath. "I'm ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh gee whiz i cant wait for next chapter (its summer now, fingers crossed ill have time between work to write!)
> 
> okay so i added another sidefic in the series when i was warming up to writing again, it's the matchmaker one. it has spamano bg radiation but it's mostly just a lovino-centric fic. read if you want but know that it doesnt in any way relate to matthew and/or prucan
> 
> [oh! and i drew a hipster canada~](http://nacreousglowclouds.tumblr.com/post/115021364165/okay-so-i-wasnt-going-to-post-this-but)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you all enjoyed!
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://hamsteakandpasta.tumblr.com)
> 
>  
> 
> [My FF.net](http://www.fanfiction.net/~nerdyfanchick)
> 
>  
> 
> [My Twitter](https://twitter.com/nerdyfanchick)


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